Nocturnal Fitness Momma

Sleep – Love – Nourish

Ashamed April 23, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — missmelis3 @ 3:49 am

A.S.H.A.M.E.D. Plain and simple.

Ashamed of What? Me, and what I’ve become. It probably doesn’t help that society has made people, like me, that aren’t obese- feel like they are.

I started my weightloss journey in 2006. My sister had joined Weight Watchers, and was seeing success…so I was a copy cat ūüôā The weight started coming off, and it was awesome! I started weight watchers @ 197#. By my wedding in Aug of 2009 I got down to 145#. I was a stick. I didn’t work out much (translation – I ran a mile a few times a week), and I probably ate around 1200 calories a day. That’s right 1200 CALORIES A DAY. I did that for YEARS!

My body probably HATED me. I was always hungry, I surely didn’t eat “clean”, but I didn’t care because I was “skinny”. My clothes fit awesome. I looked hot in a swim suit. But everytime I looked in the mirror all I saw was F-A-T. Lets get real. I’m 5’9″ – 145# is crazy! I look at those pictures¬†now¬†and all I can think is “Damn girl, you were tiny and hot!”¬†

I now know, that even if it was mild, I definitely had and EATING DISORDER. My friends and family used to make snarky comments to me, about how “skinny” I was, and how I needed to eat. I’d brush it off and saying they were jealous.¬†¬†

In reality, they were right. THEY.WERE.RIGHT :/

During these times, the Binge Monster was in full effect! Every week after my weigh in, I’d gorge, for the rest.of.the.day! No joke. I’d hop over to the coffee shop, get a giant muffin and yummy coffee. I’d have some huge ridiculous Mexican dinner — and feel like total shit the next day. But every week, I’d¬†keep losing, so every week I’d¬†think “It’s totally okay to do this once a week!” On those days, my body was like “Thank you for finally feeding me!”

About 6 months after my wedding I gained about 10lbs, got pregnant and was happy. I got up to 210# in my pregnancy! I was so glad when I delivered 16 days early…so I didn’t have to step on that scale again. Talk about bad self image. I hated myself. I¬†LOVED being¬†pregnant, just hated how “fat” I was. ¬†

After I had my baby (who turned 3 in Jan), I easily got down to 155#. I WOULD LOVE to be there again! But again, it was done stupidly – and I didn’t have to work very hard because I was breastfeeding…which literally¬†took the weight off in no time.

In¬†Dec 2012, I found BeachBody. I LOVE Chalene Johnson. I loved her Turbofire workouts. The workout came with¬†a meal plan. Instead of sticking to it, I decided that my 1200 calorie life was just what I needed. Even though I’d burn upwards of 500 calories. D-U-M-B. I found some success with those DVDs, but ultimately I gave up because I would be starving and binge – which made me feel like a failure.¬†

Fast forward 3 years – Sept 2013. I had been up and down 5 ish pounds with my weight – really at an okay maintenance. Still starving though… But,¬†my husband and I decided that since our house addition was¬†nearly done, it was the perfect time to¬†have another baby! I came off my birth control¬†and we tried, and tried, and tried, and tried ūüėČ It was¬†GREAT! Except that I felt¬†like complete shit. I could barely drag myself out of bed (my poor 2 and a 1/2 yr old – bless his heart for putting up with me). I was falling asleep all the time, I felt pukey 24/7 – YAY¬†I MUST be¬†pregnant! For 3 months I felt this way. I barely exercised (even though I was supposed to be training for a¬†1/2 marathon in Oct).

It didn’t help that my periods have never been normal. Translation¬†– without¬†birth control, they never came.¬†I also attribute that to years of treating my body like shit. My hormones were only slightly normal due to being on birth control for years.

Test after test, I was¬†NOT pregnant. I think I flew into¬†mild depression. I just wanted a baby, and I felt like shit. That means I¬†ate like shit, and that coupled with my barely workouts¬†= WEIGHT GAIN. At least 15lbs. I saw this quickly spiraling out of control. I made an appt with my OBGYN in Dec 2013¬†so I could figure out what the FUCK was going on.¬†All my lab work came back normal,¬†and he really had no answers for me (he thought maybe low thyroid or vit D – thanks to no sun in Michigan). He decided that I probably wasn’t ovulating. He started me on¬†a course of Progesterone (to make me have a period) and Clomid – to trick my body into ovulating.¬†Holy¬†shit this was an eye opener. I would wake up every morning with RAGING headaches. It was horrible.¬†

I used this concoction for 3 months with no success (Jan Feb March). I decided that since I had a negative test on April 3rd that I was just going to take a break from the meds for a month and see what my OBGYN had to say at my appt at the end of April.

With my mild depression, I’m pretty sure that the Binge Monster has been back in full effect for the last 3 months. I felt like shit, was always tired, and so¬†– why not eat like shit.¬†Hello 10 more pounds ūüė¶

Thanks to Meg at Weight Loss Rebels, I think I have found a new way of eating. It’s simple and keeps the hunger demons away! I’ve decided that¬†I have¬†another problem. Its called – Not being¬†truthful. I have every intention of tracking all of my macros, and then I let a fun size twix slip by, and then¬†another, and then another. What? I worked out today. I KEEP SABOTAGING MYSELF! I’m so annoying! There really is no “moderation” for me. It’s¬†all or nothing. I have to realize that I can’t say no to more then one piece of candy, or one serving of tortilla chips, or one tbsp of Peanut Butter. I JUST CAN’T HAVE IT. None, zero, zilch. Because¬†once¬†I have one, the ugly monster rears his head.¬†And it’s all down hill from there.

I’m standing firm, here and now. No more crap. No candy, no chips, no dessert, no PB, because I can’t say no. I¬†KNOW that I cannot control myself. I know it’s going to lead to bigger¬†problems! (As there sits a GIANT candy bin in the breakroom¬†at work :(, of course!)

I do know that I want to be healthy. I want my body to be healthy. And eventually I want to grow another baby in this body, and for¬†him or her to be healthy too! I don’t want to be 300lbs when I deliver a baby!

I am also¬†going to dedicate myself to be more truthful. That handful of¬†cinnamon/sugar almonds that just happened not to make it into mfp…NO MORE!

I’m¬†also dedicating myself to have a better body¬†image for myself. My head is completely fucked up. I know it is, I know I have issues. Maybe I need some legitimate therapy, maybe not. But,¬†I am going to work on it¬†everyday.

I know that everyone will think I’m crazy, and that I’ll never be able to do it, but I KNOW that I HAVE to. It’s going to be hard as shit. I’m going to have to be a master planner. But, I know in the end it’s going to be worth it.

I’m sick of my undies¬†and scrub¬†pants being tight. I’m sick¬†of feeling embarrassed to hang out with my friends because none of my clothes fit. I don’t want Ty to have the fat mom. I just want to feel good again. I know it’s a long journey, and¬†it’s not going to be fixed over night, but I’m giving it 100%.

xo

Melis    

Advertisements
 

Let’s Go Tigers! April 6, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — missmelis3 @ 11:50 am

Saturday started off with a BANG! Got in a 30 min HIIT workout with the sister. We killed it! Felt awesome.

I had my snacks for all day packed because the hubs and small fry and I went to a Tigers game…

6 hr in a car :/
But it actually was super fun.

Eating all day went great! I did snack on some of my hubs French fries from the McDonalds stop. Normally I would have felt super guilty, not any more! I just logged them in mfp and went on my way.

At the game I snacked on popcorn, nachos and cheese, and some pizza. Logged it all in mfp, and my macros were STILL looking good!!!

Damn CANDY! When I got home. Put me over my effing macros. I WILL learn to say no. It’s going to start today. I used my hard earned money for this challenge!

So I won’t get a “goals point” this week…but oh well. I’m not going to dwell on it. It’s the start of week three, and I’m gonna rock it!

Happy Sunday my prople!
XO
Melis

 

Making Macros My Bitch April 4, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — missmelis3 @ 7:22 am

Yo…I LOVE that I’m not starving! The challenge for today (rest day) was keeping carbs around 150…nailed it!
I even had some homemade banana bread and Paleo Nut Butter cups!

This program is awesome. I feel better, not bloated…and I’m learning to own up my actions!

Hoping for a nice weekend!!
XO
Melis

 

Nut butter cups April 3, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — missmelis3 @ 12:06 am

Found a recipe for Paleo Nut Butter Cups…OMG! They are a hit at this house…and possibly a new staple ūüôā

Hit my Macros and water today. Yah baby!

Made up my own 25min HIIT routine. Burned around 280 calories…I’ll take it!

Until tomorrow ūüôā
XO
Melis

 

That damn Snickers! April 2, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — missmelis3 @ 1:30 am

I made it in the macros dept…just barely!
I knew if I didn’t eat that Fun Size Snickers bar I’d be thinking about it all night…and get weak as the morning progressed.
Plus I love me some chocolate, and it got in my macros…no guilt here!

Today was a good day. Hung out with little T this morning, and got in a 2hr nap…thank god. And then got in my lifting routine.
I upped most of my weights and felt awesome after!

Fat 83 (80)
Carbs 210 (200)
Protein 167 (170)

Goal to be +/- 10 everyday…BOOM!

Currently sucking down shit tons of water and a coffee…hoping to get rid of this god damn headache :/

Good night to you all
XO
Melis

 

Week 2 Day 1 – HCHv2 April 1, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — missmelis3 @ 1:24 am

Boo-yah! Macros can suck it today!
Fat 80 – nailed it!
Carbs 193 – nailed it!
Protein 174 – nailed it!
Water 128oz – nailed it!

I think that weigh in with a 5# weight gain and increase in all inches…made me realize I don’t do quite the good job that I thought last week.

I forgot I ate out like 3 times…which I NEVER do! I also think I sacrificed to many of my potential sleeping hrs, by getting up and doubling up workouts.

I also need to lay off the salt…I think there’s a lot of water retention going on :/

Having all my prepared food in the fridge makes my life so much easier!

I did Day 1 workout today…the Bulgarian Split Squats are the real deal! I also went on a 2 mile walk with small fry.

Great day! Bring in tomorrow!
XO- Melis
/

 

Week 1 comes to an End March 30, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — missmelis3 @ 11:52 pm

Today’s numbers
Fat 99 – 19 over
Carbs 149 – 1 UNDER
Protein 177 – 7 over

Man…all-in-all good day!
Went to Brunch this morning with the entire fam. It was really great!
I had some yummy oatmeal, a veggie and cheese omlette, plus some bacon.

Came home and went for a 3 mile walk with my sister, then the meal prepping was on!

I made:
Scotch Eggs
Spinach and Meat Muffins
Hard Boiled Eggs
Egg White Muffins
Bacon
Sausage

Tomorrow I need to get the chicken made and then I’m all set.

Thoughts for the week:
I’m still figuring out how to stay within my macros. I did pretty well 5 of the 7 days, but it was SO HARD to resist all the SHIT.

In the middle of the night, when I’m at work, and un-godly tired…it’s so hard to tell my brain to shut up! It tells me “eat all the things”!!

I’m making my goals this week based on what went well this week.
1. +/- 10g for all macros
2. 128oz water
3. Keep up my journal entries
4. Give myself 2 positive comments/day

On to week 2 of the challenge–bring it!