A.S.H.A.M.E.D. Plain and simple.
Ashamed of What? Me, and what I’ve become. It probably doesn’t help that society has made people, like me, that aren’t obese- feel like they are.
I started my weightloss journey in 2006. My sister had joined Weight Watchers, and was seeing success…so I was a copy cat 🙂 The weight started coming off, and it was awesome! I started weight watchers @ 197#. By my wedding in Aug of 2009 I got down to 145#. I was a stick. I didn’t work out much (translation – I ran a mile a few times a week), and I probably ate around 1200 calories a day. That’s right 1200 CALORIES A DAY. I did that for YEARS!
My body probably HATED me. I was always hungry, I surely didn’t eat “clean”, but I didn’t care because I was “skinny”. My clothes fit awesome. I looked hot in a swim suit. But everytime I looked in the mirror all I saw was F-A-T. Lets get real. I’m 5’9″ – 145# is crazy! I look at those pictures now and all I can think is “Damn girl, you were tiny and hot!”
I now know, that even if it was mild, I definitely had and EATING DISORDER. My friends and family used to make snarky comments to me, about how “skinny” I was, and how I needed to eat. I’d brush it off and saying they were jealous.
In reality, they were right. THEY.WERE.RIGHT
During these times, the Binge Monster was in full effect! Every week after my weigh in, I’d gorge, for the rest.of.the.day! No joke. I’d hop over to the coffee shop, get a giant muffin and yummy coffee. I’d have some huge ridiculous Mexican dinner — and feel like total shit the next day. But every week, I’d keep losing, so every week I’d think “It’s totally okay to do this once a week!” On those days, my body was like “Thank you for finally feeding me!”
About 6 months after my wedding I gained about 10lbs, got pregnant and was happy. I got up to 210# in my pregnancy! I was so glad when I delivered 16 days early…so I didn’t have to step on that scale again. Talk about bad self image. I hated myself. I LOVED being pregnant, just hated how “fat” I was.
After I had my baby (who turned 3 in Jan), I easily got down to 155#. I WOULD LOVE to be there again! But again, it was done stupidly – and I didn’t have to work very hard because I was breastfeeding…which literally took the weight off in no time.
In Dec 2012, I found BeachBody. I LOVE Chalene Johnson. I loved her Turbofire workouts. The workout came with a meal plan. Instead of sticking to it, I decided that my 1200 calorie life was just what I needed. Even though I’d burn upwards of 500 calories. D-U-M-B. I found some success with those DVDs, but ultimately I gave up because I would be starving and binge – which made me feel like a failure.
Fast forward 3 years – Sept 2013. I had been up and down 5 ish pounds with my weight – really at an okay maintenance. Still starving though… But, my husband and I decided that since our house addition was nearly done, it was the perfect time to have another baby! I came off my birth control and we tried, and tried, and tried, and tried 😉 It was GREAT! Except that I felt like complete shit. I could barely drag myself out of bed (my poor 2 and a 1/2 yr old – bless his heart for putting up with me). I was falling asleep all the time, I felt pukey 24/7 – YAY I MUST be pregnant! For 3 months I felt this way. I barely exercised (even though I was supposed to be training for a 1/2 marathon in Oct).
It didn’t help that my periods have never been normal. Translation – without birth control, they never came. I also attribute that to years of treating my body like shit. My hormones were only slightly normal due to being on birth control for years.
Test after test, I was NOT pregnant. I think I flew into mild depression. I just wanted a baby, and I felt like shit. That means I ate like shit, and that coupled with my barely workouts = WEIGHT GAIN. At least 15lbs. I saw this quickly spiraling out of control. I made an appt with my OBGYN in Dec 2013 so I could figure out what the FUCK was going on. All my lab work came back normal, and he really had no answers for me (he thought maybe low thyroid or vit D – thanks to no sun in Michigan). He decided that I probably wasn’t ovulating. He started me on a course of Progesterone (to make me have a period) and Clomid – to trick my body into ovulating. Holy shit this was an eye opener. I would wake up every morning with RAGING headaches. It was horrible.
I used this concoction for 3 months with no success (Jan Feb March). I decided that since I had a negative test on April 3rd that I was just going to take a break from the meds for a month and see what my OBGYN had to say at my appt at the end of April.
With my mild depression, I’m pretty sure that the Binge Monster has been back in full effect for the last 3 months. I felt like shit, was always tired, and so – why not eat like shit. Hello 10 more pounds 😦
Thanks to Meg at Weight Loss Rebels, I think I have found a new way of eating. It’s simple and keeps the hunger demons away! I’ve decided that I have another problem. Its called – Not being truthful. I have every intention of tracking all of my macros, and then I let a fun size twix slip by, and then another, and then another. What? I worked out today. I KEEP SABOTAGING MYSELF! I’m so annoying! There really is no “moderation” for me. It’s all or nothing. I have to realize that I can’t say no to more then one piece of candy, or one serving of tortilla chips, or one tbsp of Peanut Butter. I JUST CAN’T HAVE IT. None, zero, zilch. Because once I have one, the ugly monster rears his head. And it’s all down hill from there.
I’m standing firm, here and now. No more crap. No candy, no chips, no dessert, no PB, because I can’t say no. I KNOW that I cannot control myself. I know it’s going to lead to bigger problems! (As there sits a GIANT candy bin in the breakroom at work :(, of course!)
I do know that I want to be healthy. I want my body to be healthy. And eventually I want to grow another baby in this body, and for him or her to be healthy too! I don’t want to be 300lbs when I deliver a baby!
I am also going to dedicate myself to be more truthful. That handful of cinnamon/sugar almonds that just happened not to make it into mfp…NO MORE!
I’m also dedicating myself to have a better body image for myself. My head is completely fucked up. I know it is, I know I have issues. Maybe I need some legitimate therapy, maybe not. But, I am going to work on it everyday.
I know that everyone will think I’m crazy, and that I’ll never be able to do it, but I KNOW that I HAVE to. It’s going to be hard as shit. I’m going to have to be a master planner. But, I know in the end it’s going to be worth it.
I’m sick of my undies and scrub pants being tight. I’m sick of feeling embarrassed to hang out with my friends because none of my clothes fit. I don’t want Ty to have the fat mom. I just want to feel good again. I know it’s a long journey, and it’s not going to be fixed over night, but I’m giving it 100%.